tongue...tail of the heart

those days, when expectations soar high for the good that is intended only to come crashing down at the first sound of bickering

"Mom, she hit me!"

"No I didn't"

"Yes you DID!"

"Ya, but you pinched..."

"STOP!!!!"

...and in the moment, that moment when the hopes of the day hang in the air, the choice can be made.

stopping the bickering with a shout instead of a gentle correction

changing her behaviour with a glare instead of a tender touch

combating an attitude with an equally unkind tone, instead of drawing her near

...my tongue, tail of my heart...

ouch

little bits of anger coming out in a harsh word or a rough grab

my anger does not produce the righteousness of God, it says that in James

God is love

i am His

with Him in me ALL the fruit of the Spirit are FULLY mine...

i don't have to hope for patience, or seek out gentleness

those characteristics are already 100% available and fully mine because of who i am in Him

the harsh retort toward the simple question...asked for the umpteenth time

the too-tight of a hold on an arm of she who is being a bit silly

the revealing of my heart

not as ideal as i would hope

not as pleasant as i might imagine

the true revealing of my heart through the words of my mouth toward those whom i desperately love

not the picture i had in mind

my short-coming

my failed expectation of what a "good Mum" should be

but patience, gentleness....they are mine, 100%

Love bears all things...endures all things...

He is love

and i am His

so i press into Him whose heart is perfect

and seek to be the one who is slow to speak,
slow to anger,
in hopes that the tail of my heart will one day
show these blessings,
the ones tugging on my shirt
and bickering down the hall

the true love i do have for them
the picture of a gentle and patient heart

shadows

Wikipedia says a shadow is: an area where direct light from a light source cannot reach due to obstruction by an object.

an object, or attitude, or unexpected change in plans, or loss of work...many things can cause a shadow.

we didn't see it coming, living life like the Joneses, day after day...wondering if this is really what life at it's fullest is all about.

and then it happened. out of the blue, without even one day notice, without even an inkling from Him, life as we knew it was no longer.

me standing by the stove, kids inevitably at my feet or at each other, the soft whir of the garage door opens, his return lightens all loads, immediately...until i see that look, "He doesn't need me any more."

silence, soul-stilling silence.

my mind is set into overdrive as i stand stirring and stewing...how can he not be needed...how are we going to fix this...how can this be happening...why!!??

the days went on and so did our wondering and why-ing, our stewing and figuring...how did this fit in to our grand plans? why is this happening if we feel like our life is made for so much more?

the weeks went on and so did our questions and pleas, figuring that should we "know" the "reasons" as to why it would make the waiting easier...

"How long oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?" Psalm 13:1

our hope dwindled, our joy extinguished, our faith stretched to points beyond...
 
the days and weeks turned into months and months and we began to bow low our heads, hang up our need to understand, put away our methods of figuring, and sought first His kingdom...

we don't know the reasons, we don't know the end result, but we are convinced we know He who knows.

and like bulbs weathered throughout the winter, doing most of their development in the shadow of earth, we emerge...

out of the dark, out from under the shadow, and with time we grow and BLOOM.

it's those dark days. the days that you never foresee, the days that - with hindsight - seem to all blend in to one dark shadow, those days when hope dwindles and faith experiences growing pains, that you look back on and realize:

Who would even know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life? ~One Thousand Gifts