cause for gulit...or lesson learned

 i ponder...and i share...and sometimes it comes out right...

one of my lasts posts was not intended to be anything more than a reflection...recalling our life in the past 2 years and the shadows that have come over us...but we wouldn't be who we are now if it weren't for those shadows...

life is good...God is good...so good...even in the dark times...

i would never choose unemployment for as long as we faced it, but i can also not even put into words the amount of growth that happened...the priceless memories that were made...the amount of time we ALL got to have TOGETHER...and i wouldn't trade it, and a pay cheque couldn't have given that to us...

seasons come and go...and through it all, we learn

recently the days are going by, mixing into one long season of "no"..."stop"..."Say please"...

blinded by the constant burden, i sometimes lose sight of the blessing...the blessingS...

and to even consider my job...my calling... a "burden"? how could I? just being honest...it creeps up on me, that attitude of selfishness that longs to stop all service and only please SELF.

and then i remember, being four and tending to the needs of my preemie sister who was finally allowed out of the hospial...hearing her cry, getting her bottle, laying out the blanket, and feeding her...placing her on the sofa, hopping down and carrying her to the floor to lay down with her and burp her...

THIS is ALL I have EVER wanted! Someone to call me "Muma"!

now 3 call me "Mummy"!

and some days are good...and our homeschooling lesson goes off without a hitch and the boy sleeps as long as he "should" and the bickering is kept at bay...and i am thankful

but then there are those days...when the bickering starts, i swear, in their sleep...and the boy's naps are too short and so is my fuse...and i yell...and i speak rudely...and i justify it with blame...

and then the day goes on and we flounder...and we flail...and we try to rise above...only to be pushed down again by a wave of anger, or accident, or hurt feelings...

so many times the words come out and i wish immediately that i could take them back...so many times the action is done and i wish, in that very instant, that i had the grace enough to direct with gentleness...

so many times its the same child...fighting the same behaviour...hearing the same correction...pressing the same buttons...blowing my last fuse...

is she to blame...or am i

i've only been a parent for as long as she's been a child

we are both still quite inexperienced at this whole gig and yet i feel, more often than not, that i should have it all together...i should have all the answers and all the grace to handle all the situations in the manner i know "others" handle it

but i don't

when all is said and done, dinner is cleaned up and all three are snuggled into their own beds...He and I sit back and sigh..."we made it"...through another day...slightly scathed...but no more worse for wear...

and then when i least expect it...during that time in the evening when i am trying to turn my mind off and just veg...a Mum on the show I am watching speaks MY fear...voices MY concerns...and I CRUMBLE...

"I look back with guilt over so many things that I have done, so many ways that I've failed her, and not asked for forgiveness"

seasons come and go...and through it all, we learn