cause for gulit...or lesson learned

 i ponder...and i share...and sometimes it comes out right...

one of my lasts posts was not intended to be anything more than a reflection...recalling our life in the past 2 years and the shadows that have come over us...but we wouldn't be who we are now if it weren't for those shadows...

life is good...God is good...so good...even in the dark times...

i would never choose unemployment for as long as we faced it, but i can also not even put into words the amount of growth that happened...the priceless memories that were made...the amount of time we ALL got to have TOGETHER...and i wouldn't trade it, and a pay cheque couldn't have given that to us...

seasons come and go...and through it all, we learn

recently the days are going by, mixing into one long season of "no"..."stop"..."Say please"...

blinded by the constant burden, i sometimes lose sight of the blessing...the blessingS...

and to even consider my job...my calling... a "burden"? how could I? just being honest...it creeps up on me, that attitude of selfishness that longs to stop all service and only please SELF.

and then i remember, being four and tending to the needs of my preemie sister who was finally allowed out of the hospial...hearing her cry, getting her bottle, laying out the blanket, and feeding her...placing her on the sofa, hopping down and carrying her to the floor to lay down with her and burp her...

THIS is ALL I have EVER wanted! Someone to call me "Muma"!

now 3 call me "Mummy"!

and some days are good...and our homeschooling lesson goes off without a hitch and the boy sleeps as long as he "should" and the bickering is kept at bay...and i am thankful

but then there are those days...when the bickering starts, i swear, in their sleep...and the boy's naps are too short and so is my fuse...and i yell...and i speak rudely...and i justify it with blame...

and then the day goes on and we flounder...and we flail...and we try to rise above...only to be pushed down again by a wave of anger, or accident, or hurt feelings...

so many times the words come out and i wish immediately that i could take them back...so many times the action is done and i wish, in that very instant, that i had the grace enough to direct with gentleness...

so many times its the same child...fighting the same behaviour...hearing the same correction...pressing the same buttons...blowing my last fuse...

is she to blame...or am i

i've only been a parent for as long as she's been a child

we are both still quite inexperienced at this whole gig and yet i feel, more often than not, that i should have it all together...i should have all the answers and all the grace to handle all the situations in the manner i know "others" handle it

but i don't

when all is said and done, dinner is cleaned up and all three are snuggled into their own beds...He and I sit back and sigh..."we made it"...through another day...slightly scathed...but no more worse for wear...

and then when i least expect it...during that time in the evening when i am trying to turn my mind off and just veg...a Mum on the show I am watching speaks MY fear...voices MY concerns...and I CRUMBLE...

"I look back with guilt over so many things that I have done, so many ways that I've failed her, and not asked for forgiveness"

seasons come and go...and through it all, we learn

tongue...tail of the heart

those days, when expectations soar high for the good that is intended only to come crashing down at the first sound of bickering

"Mom, she hit me!"

"No I didn't"

"Yes you DID!"

"Ya, but you pinched..."

"STOP!!!!"

...and in the moment, that moment when the hopes of the day hang in the air, the choice can be made.

stopping the bickering with a shout instead of a gentle correction

changing her behaviour with a glare instead of a tender touch

combating an attitude with an equally unkind tone, instead of drawing her near

...my tongue, tail of my heart...

ouch

little bits of anger coming out in a harsh word or a rough grab

my anger does not produce the righteousness of God, it says that in James

God is love

i am His

with Him in me ALL the fruit of the Spirit are FULLY mine...

i don't have to hope for patience, or seek out gentleness

those characteristics are already 100% available and fully mine because of who i am in Him

the harsh retort toward the simple question...asked for the umpteenth time

the too-tight of a hold on an arm of she who is being a bit silly

the revealing of my heart

not as ideal as i would hope

not as pleasant as i might imagine

the true revealing of my heart through the words of my mouth toward those whom i desperately love

not the picture i had in mind

my short-coming

my failed expectation of what a "good Mum" should be

but patience, gentleness....they are mine, 100%

Love bears all things...endures all things...

He is love

and i am His

so i press into Him whose heart is perfect

and seek to be the one who is slow to speak,
slow to anger,
in hopes that the tail of my heart will one day
show these blessings,
the ones tugging on my shirt
and bickering down the hall

the true love i do have for them
the picture of a gentle and patient heart

shadows

Wikipedia says a shadow is: an area where direct light from a light source cannot reach due to obstruction by an object.

an object, or attitude, or unexpected change in plans, or loss of work...many things can cause a shadow.

we didn't see it coming, living life like the Joneses, day after day...wondering if this is really what life at it's fullest is all about.

and then it happened. out of the blue, without even one day notice, without even an inkling from Him, life as we knew it was no longer.

me standing by the stove, kids inevitably at my feet or at each other, the soft whir of the garage door opens, his return lightens all loads, immediately...until i see that look, "He doesn't need me any more."

silence, soul-stilling silence.

my mind is set into overdrive as i stand stirring and stewing...how can he not be needed...how are we going to fix this...how can this be happening...why!!??

the days went on and so did our wondering and why-ing, our stewing and figuring...how did this fit in to our grand plans? why is this happening if we feel like our life is made for so much more?

the weeks went on and so did our questions and pleas, figuring that should we "know" the "reasons" as to why it would make the waiting easier...

"How long oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?" Psalm 13:1

our hope dwindled, our joy extinguished, our faith stretched to points beyond...
 
the days and weeks turned into months and months and we began to bow low our heads, hang up our need to understand, put away our methods of figuring, and sought first His kingdom...

we don't know the reasons, we don't know the end result, but we are convinced we know He who knows.

and like bulbs weathered throughout the winter, doing most of their development in the shadow of earth, we emerge...

out of the dark, out from under the shadow, and with time we grow and BLOOM.

it's those dark days. the days that you never foresee, the days that - with hindsight - seem to all blend in to one dark shadow, those days when hope dwindles and faith experiences growing pains, that you look back on and realize:

Who would even know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life? ~One Thousand Gifts

ponderings of soap suds and frying pans

a long day...hours of summer heat pounding down...soaking it up for these days will pass

kids playing...bickering...helping...bickering...

this season will all too soon come to an end...summer, childhood...

a long day...sister helps all night long...in hopes to raise funds for fun...in hopes, mine, to teach the importance of money, the blessing of provision...maybe she's being taught, but i am learning

learning to be thankful for provision

learning to gather the small things and enjoy

learning to take the moments, the ones that too often pass by unnoticed...and not rush...but to savour

a long day...setting out crafts, creations of my hands..in the summer heat

hours pass...kids playing...bickering...helping...bickering...

the sun sets...the creations of my hands are placed back in their safe places...to sit ready for next week

all is packed away...craft and crafted...all to their sweet slumber...

and there it sits...after a long hot day...cast iron with caked on crust of noon...waiting...

on goes the tap...hot...to lift the hold...

a lot like life...when pressure comes...when the heat of life is turned up...what do we do?...hold fast...to that which has claimed our peace and joy for the fear of the unknown...or let go and look to He Whose plans for us are perfect...?

the water heats up...the noon-time provisions lift...the iron cleaned in hope for tomorrow's blessing

all is quiet after a long day...he sits down and looks at me...the heat and day's laboured duties weighing in his eyes...but all is still...the evening has come...and so hope...for mercies renewed with tomorrow's rising of the sun...the Son's new mercies...

when did it stop being "enough"?

daily duties of buttering toast...wiping faces...moments in quiet, praying for their future selves...wringing out drops of patience...sweeping up crumbs of grace...

why the unsettled feeling of inadequacy...? who said that witnessing and steering the unbridled hope of the child budding, growing up under our rearing, roof, wings' shadow needs to be supplemented...or enhanced by something "other than"...something "outside"...something "more"

what is "more" than the weight, blessing, responsibility of raising tomorrow's women and men...

 these questions roll around...swirling...whispering...waiting...

when did THIS stop being enough...soap suds...morning crumbs and evening spills...cupping an innocent face and pouring out grace...

i fight to keep it...i fight to find its whole significance...its entire weight...the reality of raising up to send out...

and i falter...the still, small voice often gets beaten down by the outside shouts... "only"..."just"..."nothing but"...

and then, in a fleeting moment...almost missed by the pace of the day...i realize...and stop...and remember the treasure of a childhood...parent always present...

this IS enough...this is MORE than enough...not "just"...not "only"...

but wholly...and matchless...and unparalleled...and holy...and hard...but worth it...

so i sit...and wonder...and realize...no matter the chaos that surrounds...no matter the peers who find this to be not enough...no matter those who try and push the idea that something "other than" holds more meaning or would make me more than "just"...for me, this IS enough... unparallelled...complete...

and daily...life happens...and i need reminding...but slowly...it's seeping, down deep

"If you have died with Christ to material ways of looking at things...why do you live as if you still belong to the world?...Such practices have indeed the outward appearance that popularly passes for wisdom...but they are of no value" ~ Col. 2:20,23

do i want the simple appearance of wisdom...but for my life to lack value?

stand up...and take a few steps...to shift the focus from filling up a daily life...to daily living life FULL.

Year end show

 so...SOOO much has happen...so much time has passed...not a clue where I ended or where to even begin...

I came across these pictures...thought i'd share them

Another year end show was survived...and enjoyed!!

My girls L.O.V.E. dance...and especially the performing part!

This year was no different...other than they stayed late every show to take part in the finale!!

My little genie

 Mary and her little lamb

the girls in the tent...ready and set to perform!!

gorgeous weather again this year!!

so...it's been over a month since they were on stage and they have NOT stopped choreographing and performing at home...it is so enjoyable to watch them progress in something they both love!

Karys is now counting down the days until she is able to take part in 2 different summer dance camps!!!

...and they are both looking forward to the different classes Fall will bring!

Thankful Thursday

::sunshine
::quiet time with hubby
::two hearts - one hope
::fresh coffee
::enthusiastic little ladies
::morning walk
::clean water to refresh body
::sweet promises to refresh the soul
::fresh fruit
::true friends
::tonight's Nite Market
::unexpected ways of God's provision...always...rarely early, never late

...thanks for meeting me here, sorry it's been so long...nothing and yet too much to share, unable to find the words and time...hoping to be back soon

the ABC's of me

so, just because it's always interesting to find out more things about people, here they are, in no particular order - at ALL!

A:: amazed - daily! at the life i've been afforded! never could i have imagined that this is where my life's journey would take me...and that i would arrive on the other side of all the bumps and valleys a stronger person...but it has, and i am...thank you Jesus!
B:: balance - a bit deep! but I am learning to try and find a perfect balance of "life" and all it entails for us as a family and for me as a wife and mum and individual --- one thing we know for SURE is SIMPLE is BEST!
C:: crochet - love it! Actually, it's the reason i started my at-home business Mairsy Doats
D:: determined - this one was suggested by my love - i asked why he suggested that word and he said "because you are!"...really deep. i know!
E:: eight - the number of years i've been married to my best friend, my first and only boyfriend, my kids' Dado, my love.
F:: friends- SUPER DUPER important to me, but I don't have many! It's quality over quantity for this girl!
G:: germs - blech!! Hate 'em! Like, OCD! seriousy, i'm on the verge of being obsessive about hating them! Just ask my girls about what a trip to the public washroom involves! Needless to say, we "hold it" in public as long as humanly possible!
H:: homeschool - we do it! and we LOVE it! and my kids ARE SOCIAL!!
I:: impulsive - i talk before i think and make plans before i plan...sometimes it's good, sometimes...not (see if you can find a trend here!?)
J:: Jesus - my personal Saviour - God's Son who died for me, to have a relationship with me - not a religion!
K:: kids - we've got three - Karys, 6, Avery 4, and Levi, 6 mths (i secretly hope for four - but it's not a well-kept secret! Jim knows!! But he's not as crazy as me!)
L:: Levi Emery - a boy who stole my heart. A heart that was more than apprehensive about the idea of parenting the opposite sex!
M:: Mummy - the one title i longed to bare my ENTIRE life, the title I now hold for 3 incredible blessings and - sadly - the title i sometimes complain about owning, when it's used 1245678939503 times in a single hour...but then I am humbly reminded of how blessed i truly AM!
N:: neat-freak...NOT! i would imagine that this is one of my husband's hugest pet peeves! i cause clutter, i create clutter, and i can handle clutter...he doesn't and he can't! poor thing! so...i am trying!
O:: open-book - seriously!! maybe it's because my Mum is an ex-nun or maybe it's because I grew up with a cop for a Dad...but I can't hide anything! If I feel it - it's obvious.  If you wanna know it - I'll share it! Sometimes it good, sometimes...not so good!? (see the trend?)
P:: popcorn - i make it! from garden-fresh kernels! on the stove! It's AWESOME!!
Q:: quiet - something i have hated my entire life! seriously! don't know why, but I couldn't stand quiet or being alone! now...that it's virtually impossible to attain, I cherish the moments i do get!
R:: running - something i LOVE to do, but have had a hard time getting back into. Please refer back to the letter L!
S:: self-esteem - something i have struggled with my.entire.LIFE! But something I am learning a lot about these days - being over 30 helps too, i think!
T:: teacher - I went to university to obtain 2 degrees that qualified me to be a teacher...and now I do it, for free
U:: uncharted - the territory we are presently exploring!! We have no idea where our lives are headed, but we trust in the One who does, and know His grace will sustain us wherever His path guides us
V:: vegetarian - i was one, for over 5 years! and then i met my Mennonite husband...end of story.
W:: wine! enough said! But, seriously, i love the stuff! I drink a glass almost every night! But it can't be enjoyed alone - ever! So a typical evening for me looks like quiet time with hubby, enjoying a glass of wine and some crackers and cheese, oh yeah - and crocheting!! I know - we're hardcore! Try not to be jealous!
X:: eXtrovert - who married an introvert! I know opposites attract, but this one is almost cruel! (to both of us, i guess!)
Y:: yummy food - i love to enjoy it and love to make it! food and I have had a tumultuous relationship throughout my years, so it's so nice finally make peace with it - and even better to learn to LOVE IT!
Z:: ZEST - in my muffins and in my life - i love it in any shape and form! I live my life with as much zest as i can muster - with my family, with my challenges and with my daily duties. And I strive to surround myself with people who live their lives with it too!

there ya go! betchya didn't know a few of those, haha, neither did I!!